Accepting Reality.

    It was the month of June when it was peak of the covid lockdown and like most people my age, I was having the worst time of my life in all aspect of life. My self-esteem and confidence was very low and I was not taking care of my physical or mental health. Life seemed stagnant and I saw how I was just spending my time on the internet posting about how miserable life was. I spent hours just laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling while loathing myself. I hated how my body looked, I was stress eating and my acne which had been persistent wasn't going either. I had given up on myself because I hated myself. All the posts about self-love and self-acceptance was not making sense as everyone tells you that you should love and accept yourself but no one tells you how to do that. It is especially difficult in a country like India where we are raised with constant body shaming and the need to be white. I have never seen a person like me in any cinemas or in the media. It is filled with fair skin women who are tall and skinny and have a snatched waist. The pandemic and the lockdown which was a result of that did not make anything easy instead it put you in a mental prison where you just couldn't escape your own thoughts. You become a prisoner in your own head. 

    Self-Acceptance is something which I found incredibly difficult as I was never told I am beautiful instead all I got were back-handed compliments like, "You would be really pretty if you were slim", or "You would be beautiful if you were 3-4 shades fair", etc. I grew up in an environment where being slim and fair were the only criteria to be perceived as beautiful. Every movie, soap operas had their main female character be fair, slim, soft spoken which made them 'perfect' whereas, the villain or the bad women was always dark, spoke loudly and was jealous of the main character's 'beauty'. The fair and lovely commercials always had the message that dark skin women needed to get light to achieve anything in life be it academic or falling in love. The Indian Makeup Industry did not have a shade range which went beyond beige. I never looked beautiful like the fair kids in school in annual days because they never had a foundation which matched my skintone (I am an NC46 in MAC so I am not even the darkest shade range you will find in India). 

    With age I also got the usual skin issues of acne and hyper pigmentation which I have gotten in terms with now at the age of 22. I never liked the way I looked and in my teenage years I always used a filter to make myself look pretty, to not have a round face and instead have my jaw-line look sharp and to have an elongated face instead of the round chubby face I have. I did not like the way my nose looked wide and crooked and instead wanted a slim and slender nose. I did not have the confidence to go out without wearing a concealer and bb cream because I did not like how my face was all bumpy and had spots which made me look ugly. Everything got worse during the lockdown when I was forced to be all alone with my thoughts. I purchased a lot of skincare and tried all the products which were suggested by the honest skincare influencers and cried about how I was not getting any results like how they claimed to be. That's when the reality of filters and non-disclosed sponsorship hit me and I realized that this is how skin is and filters are used to make us feel insecure and purchase products. While I do not have problems with sponsorships, I have issues with those who do not disclose their sponsorship and advertise shady products which are known to have ruined people's skin for their own profit. I have written about how I feel about this before but the fact that some 'honest' influencers have a hard time using the hashtag ad (#ad) on posts and not having the basic ethical decency of saying, "This video is sponsored by so and so company/brand" is beyond me. 

    This was the time when I started looking up and reading about products myself and decided to cut off all the unnecessary brands I was using at that time and just stick to the basic ingredients which I knew would work and within 3-4 months my acne outburst had reduced a lot and my pigmentation is under control too. This has been the biggest learning for me and for once I agree with my mom that not everything you see on the internet is true. While I still look up for product reviews, I do not buy a product just because of that review and instead do my own research and also see whether my skin needs that product or is my routine enough. I have also grown confidence and I now appreciate my skin for what it is instead of making myself feel miserable for what I don't have. 

    The most important things which I think I do now is consider whether I need to get a product and if yes then how different is it from my current routine and what step will it substitute and while I do appreciate new products I try not to fall in the hype and buy it when I have a similar product in my routine already. I also think that understanding that most people on the internet especially influencers use filter and sell a lie has been one of the biggest factor which has given me the power in my hand to finally reject the idea of perfection I had in my head. It is not only impossible but also unattainable because that perfection does not exist in real world. 

These are somethings which after realization and after setting it in my mind, I have had an easier time dealing with my issues.

1. Pores, pigmentation, under eye bags and dark circles, acne, acne marks, scars, stretch marks are all normal and every human being to exist will have these. 
2. Makeup is not skin and thus, makeup will look like makeup and not skin like. You cannot apply layers of makeup and then expect to not see it. 
3. Makeup gurus have lights and filters which makes their pores and 'imperfections' disappear.
4. Internet is literally like a hall of mirror and not everything you see is true.
5. Avoid purchasing from brands who do not disclose their full ingredients.
6. Avoid getting products just on the basis of reviews you see online.
7. Do not fully trust influencers who do not disclose their sponsorships upfront. 
8. Do your own research.
9. Do not guilt buy. Instead get new skincare only when your current routine product is over.
10. Always consider your skin's needs.

    This was something I wanted to write for a long time. I hope all of you are doing well. Stay at home and be safe :)